Losing Control

In case you haven’t heard in the last 3 months of silence, we are moving soon.  It isn’t just a pack up the U-Haul move, either. It is an “I’m leaving on a jet plane,” kind of move. It is a go and sell all you own, box up your sentimental belongings for storage, and start all over in a new culture move. I know all moves can be stressful, but this has been like a drive through the mountains.  It has been a fun and beautiful adventure to see God work out the details, but it also is stressful not knowing what lies around the bend in the road.

And to be honest, I would probably be just fine if we only had the move. But no.  Life doesn’t work that way.  I started a temporary, independently contracted job that is extremely time demanding.  It is stressful.  This is a job that I have had for the last two summers without near the amount of stress.  That is mostly due to a summer full of traveling to see people and invest in them before the big move and packing.  Lots. Of. Packing. Which means the things I did all summer long last year I am now doing on the run throughout the program this year. And I just can’t handle it this year.

I have learned something about myself in all of this.  When I break and buckle under the stress, I get mean.  I absolutely hate it.  I want to escape the world and not think about it all, but I can’t. If I did, it would never get done.  And I find myself caught in this stress cycle where I am not having time with God, so I am not easing my stress, which then makes me more irritable, which then makes those ugly flesh tendencies to rear its head, until all my emotions are rampant and I’m weeping and breaking down, to then feel guilty for how I have treated everyone under the stress, which causes more stress on top of the ongoing stress, which I continue to be unable to deal with because my way of dealing with it is taking a cup of coffee and escaping the world by reading the Word and journaling for an hour, so rather than filling my spirit, I empty my spirit, and the vicious cycle continues until all I see is the ugliness of the flesh I so wish I could kill, crucify, deny, and ignore, but there it is, ugly and exposed. I. Hate. It.

pulling-out-hair

I hate that I am so deep in this stress not knowing who I have hurt or how my words came across or who I need to apologize to.  It feels like I am lost without hope, without light, and I’m drowning in it. There is just too much responsibility on my soldiers. Take out the dog. Clean the basement.  Sort through the boxes. Pack the bags. Work 12 hours a day. Do laundry.  Have I even showered in a week?

Does your grace reach me down here, God? Does your love reach my ugliness, God? Can you make it all right? I sure can’t.  I’m crying out, God. Save me from myself before I implode. I never wanted to put stress and flesh on the throne of my heart.  I want you to be center stage, on the throne, ruler of my heart.  So kick me out, and take control, Lord.  Please, take control.

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3 thoughts on “Losing Control

  1. Praying for you Megan. Love you so much. I can’t believe all you have on your plate. I’m trying to arrange a time to come help in the basement. Love you.

  2. Experience is the best teacher..so the saying goes. But it is true. We learn as we go and God gives us extra task to deepen our knowledge and our resistance and our stamina. Its just like your workouts. At the beginning you were sort of a weakling but as you pushed along you got stronger. And your new eating habits. You learned along the way what caused you to be tempted or to fail and you were better to avoid those things. You may be seeing how much you should or should not take on or you may be learning to be better organized or when to avoid interaction with people. 🙂 Whatever it is, God is teaching you, watching for your breaking point, and loving every second of when you cry out for help. He loves you so much and He loves scooping you up, hugging you close, dusting you off and sending you out into your calling. You have not failed, you have moved ahead in your race. And the people that may have experienced your stress explosion….if they love you, they will pray for you and forgive you. It is an apprehensive time but I know you both have Jesus by the hand even if your legs are shaking. I can’t wait to hear reports from you when you get there. Laborers Together for the Harvest….Paula

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