When Waiting Sucks

Seasons of waiting suck. It feels like you are stuck in a desert as you run toward the ever elusive destiny God is calling you to do.

I recently applied for a job thinking it was a door God had opened for me.  There were still 26 applicants, and although I did get an interview, I didn’t get the job. In the past two days leading up to the devastating news, the devil had a megaphone to my ear with all sorts of lies.  He was trying to attach himself through rejection.  It almost worked.

Yesterday morning, before I even got a call about the job, I called on some of my amazing prayer warrior friends to help me overcome the mental battle.  We broke off all his lies and schemes, and we severed any ties to the spirit of rejection. I immediately started feeling the peace of God again.  I knew that whatever happened it would be okay. I began declaring who God says that I am just to seal the truth over the lies.

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I have destiny.
I have purpose.
So, shut up, you Ancient Liar!

I am a daughter of the King;
In Him, I have found favor.
So, back it on up, you Crusty Accuser!

I belong.
I am welcomed in by God’s grace.
So, run and flee, you Dragon of Lies!

–excerpt from my journal

So, when I finally got the call from the job and found out I didn’t get it, I was devastated, but I didn’t feel rejected.  I was upset and disappointed, yet I was at peace.  Yet, my heart was heavy still. It was this confusing range of emotions where I wasn’t mad at God, but I didn’t understand what he was doing. At one point I told Him, “How long must I wait? How long must I continue to show you that I will always trust you, no matter what? How do I know a door is you if your peace isn’t a guide?”

I think the most disappointing part was that I had so much peace about it, and it wasn’t the open door I thought it was. And because I had so much peace about this job, I dared to let myself dream again. I dared to imagine having a routine and a schedule.  I dared to imagine having influence and voice into young minds.  I imagined seeing kids I love every day.  I imagined having purpose in my job. But with not getting the job, it felt like another piece of the dream faded into the dark until it disappeared. And the saddest part of all, I honestly don’t know what to dream anymore, which is why this became my prayer:

“Help me to dream again.  With every interview, I dare to let myself hope, and it is as if a small piece of my dream fades into the dark.  I can’t do it anymore.  Take every dream that isn’t yours, Lord.  Shattered they may be, but they are yours.  Take every shattered dream and replace them with your dreams.  Shut every door that isn’t lit by your presence.  Give me eyes to see the right door, the God door.

In all of this, I said I would trust you.  I said I would praise you no matter what.  And I choose to even now.  Like a watchman waits for the morning, I will wait for you.  You are my song.  I will keep my eyes on you as I wait for your healing, for your job, and for your promises.  Even if it is 12 years, I will trust and serve you still.

Thank you for the job I do have.
Thank you for providing abundantly.
Thank you for your promises.
Thank you for your peace.
Thank you for the dreams you are placing inside of me, even if I don’t see them yet.
Thank you for healing, for Samuel.
Thank you for being my light on the path of darkness.
Thank you for family.
Thank you for being good.
Thank you for truth.
Thank you for being a God who is found when I seek you.
Thank you for your favor and delight.
Thank you for being mine. I am yours.  Take all of me.”

I don’t know how long I will have to wait, and it sucks, but my prayer is that God would help me to flourish where I am planted.  Which for whatever painful reason, it is being a substitute teacher. It isn’t what I want with my life.  I know I am meant for more, meant to speak into people’s lives every day. I pray God helps me to see and do that even now. I pray God helps me find routine because apparently this roller coaster schedule isn’t going anywhere. He is the only thing that sustains me, and in Him I must find my satisfaction.

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