Is My Boat Driver Lost?

It’s been too long, Lord! You say you are proud of me, but I don’t know how.  I have needed time with you, but I have been so busy and stressed that I coulldn’t seem to find the time to get into your presence and seek your face. And the worst part is that it builds habits in me that say it is ok to avoid my time with you.  I don’t want that.  I want to daily be aware of my need for you.  I don’t want to build habits that think I can do it on my own.  I can’t, Lord.  I need you.  I depend on you.  Forgive my dependence on myself the last few week.

Speak to me and through me, Lord! I need your wisdom about our nation.  I need your wisdom about my life.  I need your wisdom in every area of my life. After working with NISE as a group coordinator, I am questioning everything.  As the driver of my boat, I need you to direct me where to dive and where to wait.  I feel like my pursuit of teaching has left me in standing water ankle deep.  I’m going nowhere fast, and I feel myself losing my sense of purpose.  I don’t know what you are doing. Did you tell me to jump and I miss the spot?  Or have you been leading me beside still waters and moving slowly so I don’t get my boat scraped on the beautiful and dangerous rocks?  What is happening?  Give me a little of your perspective.  Am I supposed to pursue a job in group coordinating? Do I go back to school?  If so, how are you paying for it because loans are not an option?  How are we getting to China?  

It feels like I have a thousand questions, and with each question it feels like a storm wells up in my seas, and I am searching for your hand. Help me to see you, Lord.  I need to see you because even though my life feels like it is losing meaning, your hand still gives me purpose.  Knowing I am in your will and that I am where you want me to be helps me to trust and be at peace with the many things that are not what I would have had for myself.  My heart feels heavy.  Lighten the load, Lord. I don’t even know why it feels so heavy. 

Then I hear you say, “I’m here.  I’m not lost.  Trust me.”  And as you hold me through the tears, I find a glimpse of trust again. 


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