I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in close to four months. There definitely were some high points I might should have written about, and there were some low points too. Recently, I found myself stuck in a dry spot with God. I felt empty. Whenever I tried to have personal time with God, it was as if He was present yet so intangible. I realize that sounds nondescript because He is always invisible yet omnipresent, but it was as if I had just climbed Mt. Everest (as best I could imagine) and the air was so thin that I could feel it was there, but it was still hard to breathe. It’s as if my spirit had nothing left, and although my mind kept telling my heart that He is still there, my heart couldn’t find the strength to believe. So I had to will myself to read the word, to write something of a prayer down… a sacrifice of praise.
In this time, it may not have been the best idea to binge watch Korean dramas and romantic comedies on Netflix. What can I say, I’m a sucker for clean, cheesy, predictable love stories that have little to no realistic basis but make you feel good about love. That never was a good idea in high school, and it probably still isn’t. After my long-term subbing job ended, I just wanted to escape life because it was so stressful. Now, I want to escape life because I don’t want to be just a sub again, and this escapism mentality that Netflix enables for me, is dangerous. Perhaps I need to shelf it when I am home alone altogether.
The fact remains that I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually spent. The well was dry and I felt I had nothing left to offer God. I felt I was incapable of hearing Him, and I was done praying. However, being committed to God cannot be about mere feelings. If there is one thing I know from my 25 years of life it is this: God is real and I cannot ignore Him. So, regardless of my feelings, I must press on toward Him, my Abba Father.
God filled me up this week, but there is still something I apparently wanted to escape as I continued to binge watch my Netflix and run away from the messy house I created and the responsibilities I have to my body, my spirit, and my jobs. God started to give me strategy moving forward, so I won’t get burned out by what He puts before me to do. The crux of this strategy is worship. Worship has the power to break spiritual strongholds. Worship has the power to fill our spirits and give us strength. Worship has the power to give life to the dead and broken areas of our hearts.
God told me during my Bible Study, “I gave you life; I conquered death. Why do you keep living in it?” In this marathon of life, we have two choices: run down the path of destruction toward the devil or run down the path of life that leads to God; I chose the latter. And in that race, there is an ever-present darkness that seems to always be stalking us, waiting for an opportunity to pounce and devour us. It is called spiritual warfare and it became stronger in the fall of man. If we stop running toward God, than that darkness that looms behind us, has an opportunity to envelop us, and that is how we can continue to walk in darkness. Sure, there are many other scenarios in which the spiritual battle is continuing and we feel the effects even when we are daily pursuing God, but this is what God was showing me for my life right now and this present darkness I have been facing. The death that I was walking in was brought on because I stopped running.
Life got crazy. I went to Bible study and church and my soul and spirit were getting no substance outside of it. I was spending everything I had, but I wasn’t truly filing myself with the word or His presence. I had given up praying for others that God had given me a burden for, which was disobedient of me, and I stopped running toward Him. Darkness crept in. That is why God is taking me back to the basics again. “Worship me. Rest in me. Pursue me. Come to that intimate place with me.” Perhaps it isn’t a matter of coming back to the basics, but learning to stay in the basics because those are never going to be something I don’t need. In order to survive this marathon of life, I must fill my body with good food, rest, and exercise (work in progress), and my soul with the daily renewing of my mind by the word of God, and my spirit with daily worship to my Abba Father.