My Dearest Abba Father,
You made me cry. You made me sit in my car for close to thirty minutes weeping. You made me wake up with a heavy heart and more weeping. And I don’t get it. I want to be mad at you, because we clearly disagree on what my near future should look like. But I know you are the only one who can get me through the pain. I’m hurt and deeply wounded. I feel like a loved one has died or like I have just gone through a painful break up. I want to eat buckets of ice cream and watch sad movies. I want to blame you. You are the one who holds my future right?
I want to give up. I throw in the towel. Every time I follow peace and every time I apply to a job as a teacher, I’m rejected. Every time. Do we just have the wrong signal. I know long term that teaching is not the ultimate goal, but have I just missed something? Have I completely missed your present call on my life? Either way, I don’t know what you want from me anymore. If I can’t get a job as a teacher what am I supposed to do? It is starting to feel like the only thing I am good at is being a cashier at a small town grocery store.
But I can’t shake the feeling I get when I am teaching either, when I am reading what kids have written. When kids are writing, I feel like I could fly. When I am helping them make their writing better and develop ideas, I feel as though nothing can stop me. I can’t shake the sense of purpose I get when I am teaching kids. They love me. I love them. Why can’t that be enough?
I need you to take my broken heart. I need you to give me a glimmer of hope because right now, all I see and all I feel is the pain of no, the pain of shattered dreams, the pain of misguided steps and misguided faith that this was going to be it. I was finally going to be a teacher.
I will always chose to trust you because you are God and because you are for me not against me. I will choose to trust you because I know you love me and you want what is best for me. I will trust you because I know you are grieving with me and you hate that I am going through this pain. I will trust you because you are the only thing I truly want in this life and I will not let Satan destroy that over a shattered dream that in the scope of life will fade and diminish to nothing compared to eternity.
I know you have a powerful call on my life that involves kids, lots of kids. I know it involves teaching. Is it unconventional? If so, please Lord, show me. I can’t walk down another path that leads nowhere. I just can’t.
Your little Warrior.