To the One Who Holds My Future

My Dearest Abba Father,

You made me cry.  You made me sit in my car for close to thirty minutes weeping.  You made me wake up with a heavy heart and more weeping.  And I don’t get it.  I want to be mad at you, because we clearly disagree on what my near future should look like.  But I know you are the only one who can get me through the pain.  I’m hurt and deeply wounded. I feel like a loved one has died or like I have just gone through a painful break up.  I want to eat buckets of ice cream and watch sad movies.  I want to blame you.  You are the one who holds my future right?

I want to give up.  I throw in the towel.  Every time I follow peace and every time I apply to a job as a teacher, I’m rejected. Every time.  Do we just have the wrong signal.  I know long term that teaching is not the ultimate goal, but have I just missed something?   Have I completely missed your present call on my life? Either way, I don’t know what you want from me anymore.  If I can’t get a job as a teacher what am I supposed to do? It is starting to feel like the only thing I am good at is being a cashier at a small town grocery store.

But I can’t shake the feeling I get when I am teaching either, when I am reading what kids have written.  When kids are writing, I feel like I could fly.  When I am helping them make their writing better and develop ideas, I feel as though nothing can stop me.  I can’t shake the sense of purpose I get when I am teaching kids.  They love me.  I love them.  Why can’t that be enough?

I need you to take my broken heart.  I need you to give me a glimmer of hope because right now, all I see and all I feel is the pain of no, the pain of shattered dreams, the pain of misguided steps and misguided faith that this was going to be it.  I was finally going to be a teacher.

I will always chose to trust you because you are God and because you are for me not against me.  I will choose to trust you because I know you love me and you want what is best for me.  I will trust you because I know you are grieving with me and you hate that I am going through this pain.  I will trust you because you are the only thing I truly want in this life and I will not let Satan destroy that over a shattered dream that in the scope of life will fade and diminish to nothing compared to eternity.

I know you have a powerful call on my life that involves kids, lots of kids.  I know it involves teaching.  Is it unconventional? If so, please Lord, show me.  I can’t walk down another path that leads nowhere.  I just can’t.

Love,

Your little Warrior.

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