I must smell like refuse. A gigantic sign must be pinned on my head that says, “I’m not cut out for you.” Everyone else must see something that I don’t.
June 2015– I attended an amazing conference where God shifted my focus from getting a job in the education field to focusing on Him. He said to me, “You have used your logical mind and pursued a job in education, but that is not the path I have for you in this season of your life. You are in a building season. You are building habits of prayer and intercession that will catapult you into the nations. You are building the strength, ear, and voice to war for nations.”
It was a beautiful moment in the presence of God. I was convinced that I was to be a part of an internship that would help me grow in that place of prayer. I was apparently wrong because once again, I’ve been rejected. And the worst part about it all is that I was so certain I would be accepted for this internship that I stopped applying to jobs. I knew that if God wanted me in this internship, there would be no way I could be a first-year teacher at the same time. First-year teachers work a buttload of overtime.
Now I feel foolish. The school year is starting and I am stuck subbing yet again. I was so certain of what God wanted me to do, and I failed. Or that is how I feel. I feel rejected yet again.
But as I was thinking and praying today about the internship and the words God spoke to me two months ago, I felt God saying, “Nothing has changed. I am still calling you to build those habits of prayer and intercession, habits of seeking Me.”
I guess I just missed it. Big time.
I’m sorry, God. One day at a time, with a new measure of grace for each day, help me build the healthy habits spiritually, physically, and emotionally that I may serve You in all I say and do. I need You. Only You. And if, by some miracle, I am still able to be hired full-time somewhere, could you make it glaringly obvious? Help me to not feel rejected, but to trust and hope in You.