I just want to clarify that I am lucky enough to not be in a deep, I-need-medicine depression. It will pass. I know that. The emotional struggle is still real. Yesterday, after posting that I cried in the shower, I felt a lot more support than I had expected. I didn’t realize how many people actually read my blog. God is good!
Last night I was singing songs over a new baby girl at church. I was telling her how beautiful she is, how God has plans for her life, how God knows every day of her life before one of them comes to be, how God’s thoughts of her outnumber the grains of sand on the earth. And I felt like God was saying the same things over me. He was saying, “I love you, Megan. I see the tears you cry. I am holding you in my hand. My thoughts of you are greater than the sands and the stars. I know every day of your life even before you choose it. And more than anything, I am with you.”
It helped. Last night, I found some joy in what felt so bleak–the moon even hid under the clouds, it’s light refusing to shine. However, today is a new day. The struggle is still there, but I am trying to trust God and cry to him. I know God will open something up. I’m just tired of waiting. I graduated eight months ago, and I have yet to use my degree.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
God is still with me! He will never leave me, and He is in control. He is God. I am not. And so I trust. Brokenly, I will trust.