I Cried in the Shower Today.

I cried in the shower and I am sitting here with a facial mask on, doing what I love. Writing.

You noticed how I glazed over that first part like it was nothing.  Well, it is something. Or maybe it isn’t.  I don’t know.  If you know me relatively at all, you probably also noticed that I mentioned I am wearing a facial mask.  This is a first for me.  I completely object to the fundamental concept of doing anything to make myself look or feel beautiful that takes more than two minutes (apart from going to a salon, a manicure, and/or a pedicure).  Sitting with a 10 minute facial mask? NEVER.

Look, I don’t want sympathy.  I don’t even know what is wrong.  I just know I have no real job, and I sit at home wanting nothing more than to teach, but I am watching Bones.  Sure, there is cleaning to do.  Sure, I could have used a shower five days ago.  Sure, I’ll begin subbing again soon. Sure, everything I love to do, seems dull. I don’t want to practice my violin.  I don’t want to read any books.  I don’t want to do the things I hate because I am doubly unmotivated.  I don’t want to do anything.  I want to just sit and eat.

What it boils down to: my life feels meaningless.

I have always known where I was going, what I was doing, and how I was going to get there.  Everything has been clear and open.  At first, I enjoyed not being in school.  Now I wish I at least had the distraction, the excuse for why I am not doing what i love.  Maybe a master’s degree wouldn’t be so bad after all…

So, I cried in the shower today.  At least I finally showered.

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4 thoughts on “I Cried in the Shower Today.

  1. Megan, so sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I think we have all been there with feeling like our lives are meaningless or we aren’t sure what we are working towards. I often feel down and lonely in China, wondering if I will make a difference or if I am just wasting my life away from family in America. But I am also just an overly moody person, and I know that I need to keep learning to make God my focus and bring him glory regardless of my feelings. When you said you were really wanting to teach, I was wondering what happened when you guys were thinking about China. What age level do you want to teach and do you think that’s a possibility in the near future? Are you guys still in Colorado?

    I enjoy reading your blogs, even when I don’t comment on them often.

    Andrea

    >

    1. Thanks, Andi. I want to teach upper elementary, the position we were looking at was for high school. I wasn’t comfortable with that level mathematics, which is what they needed. We also felt it wasn’t the right timing. I think we will go sooner than later, but I don’t know.

  2. Depression is a nasty beast. I know, I’ve stared her in the face, looked into her black soul. Hope is the only thing that can slay depression. Not hope like we usually mean it like “I really want that to happen,” but a calm, faith-expectation. I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know that Christ Himself *is* the light, and he will not abandon me to this out of despair. I can have hope. Hope that even if it never gets better, Christ is with me.

    In Giggles’ story Chasing Moonlight the moon represents hope. Every month the moon fades away and then disappears completely. Yet even on the darkest nights we know that the moon will return. And every month it does. Go outside tonight and look at the moon. Bask in its soft glory. Sit in its pale light and know that there *is* hope. Sometimes we just have to chase it.

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