I cried in the shower and I am sitting here with a facial mask on, doing what I love. Writing.
You noticed how I glazed over that first part like it was nothing. Well, it is something. Or maybe it isn’t. I don’t know. If you know me relatively at all, you probably also noticed that I mentioned I am wearing a facial mask. This is a first for me. I completely object to the fundamental concept of doing anything to make myself look or feel beautiful that takes more than two minutes (apart from going to a salon, a manicure, and/or a pedicure). Sitting with a 10 minute facial mask? NEVER.
Look, I don’t want sympathy. I don’t even know what is wrong. I just know I have no real job, and I sit at home wanting nothing more than to teach, but I am watching Bones. Sure, there is cleaning to do. Sure, I could have used a shower five days ago. Sure, I’ll begin subbing again soon. Sure, everything I love to do, seems dull. I don’t want to practice my violin. I don’t want to read any books. I don’t want to do the things I hate because I am doubly unmotivated. I don’t want to do anything. I want to just sit and eat.
What it boils down to: my life feels meaningless.
I have always known where I was going, what I was doing, and how I was going to get there. Everything has been clear and open. At first, I enjoyed not being in school. Now I wish I at least had the distraction, the excuse for why I am not doing what i love. Maybe a master’s degree wouldn’t be so bad after all…
So, I cried in the shower today. At least I finally showered.