What if the world really knew me, my thoughts that resonate through the depths of my heart? Would they run away when they see my hideous hypocrisy? Or does the world already see and the blind one has been me? Could it be that I have reached the scariest ultimate low? Have I forsaken my faith? I have lost my desire for church, noticed cursing in my thoughts and occasionally on my lips, and I have not truly prayed in weeks. Could it be that I have stopped depending on God yet want the world to think we are still ok? What if the real me that I have kept tame for so long is breaking out or, should I say, binding me up? I have said for a while now that my poor habits are starting to pile against me, but I feel like I have reached my bottom and I don’t know how to crawl back.
How have I fallen so out of love? My God-marriage is falling apart, and though I try to blame Him, it is my fault. I sent him the bill of divorce the moment He stopped doing what I asked of Him. He didn’t respond the way I wanted, then again, I wasn’t faithfully coming home to Him. As I slowly moved my things out–first my thoughts, then my actions, and finally my heart–I began to see how everything I lived for was perhaps a facade. Instead of living to serve my Husband, I was living to serve myself. My pride was fed with every prayer I prayed, every time my hand was raised, and with every good thing I thought I did. My prayers were not focused on God but on self-gratification. If I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel. I had to feel something for it to be real because it was ultimately about me. Finally the point came where my worship felt as meaningless as it was. My god showed herself to be as powerless as she is. I could not heal myself and I divorced the real God because of it.
The worst part of all is I know I need to change. I know to return to that love is the best thing for me, yet there is a small part of me that feels I am ok without Him. But I am ashamed to admit it. I have buried my identity in all this Christianese and I wonder if any of it is true or if I have just been lying to myself all along. Am I truly authentic but going through a funk or am I a great pretender that has fooled everyone but God? What do I want to be and how do I get there? Where do I even start?
If my time is a measure of myself then I am still a self-absorbed baby fueled by slothful habits and instant desire. My mind is fixed on the here and now rather than the longevity of life. Am I satisfied with the companion I try to be for myself or is Christ whom I really am after? Is it too late? Is His grace truly enough? I tell my earthly husband, “Like it or not, you’re stuck with me forever,” yet it seems with my heavenly husband, my Jesus Christ, I’m quick to cast him out of His home. So how do I turn the clock? How do I get where I want to get, when the get to be got seems gone? Perhaps it starts at the very same beginning.
I am sorry I was such a fool. My Jesus, take me home again. Wrap me in your arms and let me feel your embrace. You are the greatest love I’ve ever known. I need you. I want you. Break me of my destructive habits that got between You and I. Please, My Dearest Savior, take me back once again for always! Love, Me.