Evaluation 1… Dun. Dun. Dun…

In case you didn’t know to read the “Dun dun dun” as if it was following some suspenseful twist of events, read it again.

That’s right folks, I have survived my first evaluation of student teaching.  I admit that I was nervous.  Who wouldn’t be? It’s only someone who holds the power to flunk or pass you dissecting what you do as a teacher in order to give you constructive criticism.  No pressure! I feel confident and comfortable in the classroom.  I don’t always feel in control of the classroom, but I think I am about as in control of the classroom as anybody else.  I could be deceived.

When my supervisor walked in, I finished going through the homework with the kids and introduced the class to him.  I told them why he was there, to grade me, and that they still needed to focus on me as the teacher.  Then when he walked out after 45 minutes, they all started asking, “Where is he going?”

“He is going to talk to Mrs. Smith*,” I replied, “and then he is going to come and tell me how I did.”

“I hope he gives you a good grade!” “You are a great teacher!” “You should work here!” were among the many popcorn responses from the kids.  It is comforting to know that if kids were the deciding factor, I could easily have a job lined up today.  Sadly, they are not the deciding factor.  Sadly, your ability to teach could potentially not be enough either.  My supervisor was all praise about my teaching, for the most part.  (I just need to not lean on the board as I talk to the kids.) His only concern was… appearance.

I get it. This week was rough! I don’t even know why other than I wasn’t getting to bed early enough (sorry, babe, 9:00 from now on… give or take).  Today, I wore a spirit shirt and jeans.  I have never been good about ironing and laundry.  Now I have to.  I have never cared about make up. Now I have to.  I have never cared about my hair. Now I have to.  It isn’t that I don’t know how to invest in myself, I just never gave myself the time or felt I had the resources.  Now I have to.

So, tomorrow, I am going to get my hair cut.  I usually will invest more time into my hair when it is short[er].  I am going to buy some eyeliner and start investing in myself.  My supervisor said he was surprised at how well I taught.  I didn’t over react to off task students and I was engaging with the kids, so I can teach.  Unfortunately we live in a world where utmost professional appearance is necessary to get a job, usually, and I need to treat every day as if it is an interview.  I don’t look sloppy, but I know I don’t look my best either.  At least I didn’t see Stacy and Clinton today, then again, they would have told me I looked bad and given me $5,000 to fix it.

*I changed the name of my cooperating teacher to protect her identity (not that many people read this enough to matter).

I Was Made for This!

I have officially completed my first week of student teaching! I LOVE IT!!! I won’t give you a play-by-play, but I am the luckiest girl in the world.  I started teaching one lesson a day on Wednesday.  I cried at the end of it.  I was so frazzled! I didn’t know what to say.  The kids were either not paying attention or not getting it, maybe a little of both.  I was trying to get through the material and it just felt like a total flop! After it was all over, I broke.  I told my cooperating teacher, “You make it look a whole lot easier than it is!”  So, props to all teachers out there who eloquently teach and interact with kids, scaffold their understanding and target each child in a whole class setting; to every teacher who juggles lesson plans, cranky kids, complaints, outbursts, and altogether rowdiness with finesse, you’re awesome!

By the next day, my goal was to take it slow, keep their attention, and be thorough.  I think they got it! I don’t really know yet. My first evaluation is Friday.  I am hoping to be teaching two classes by then.  It takes a lot of work, BUT it is the best work of my life.  You know how you are told to find something you love to do and to do that because then you will never work a day in your life? That is exactly how I feel.  God birthed teaching in my heart from a very young age, and it is for a very obvious reason to me.  I was made to love kids and to teach them.  I realize I am only teaching one class a day and slowly gaining responsibility, but I think I will feel the same way when I get to my full day teaching.  I am blessed!

The more I teach, the more confident I become that I totally have this!  I can teach! I can lesson plan! God has called me and He is faithful to equip!  I know that when this semester is over and God faithfully opens the door to teach everyday all day five days a week, I will be ready to walk through that door.  I am excited for what lies ahead.  You are an awesome God and you know me better than I know myself!

How Do You Worship

How do you worship when...
    prayers seem to bounce off the ceiling,
    God’s voice seems to be muted,
    and your spiritual senses seem to be infused with Novocain?
How do you worship when...
    you don’t have the strength to lift your hands,
    or the will to try?

How do you worship when...
    your vision is like a lens out of focus,
    your pebbles of life feel like boulders,
    and your questions go unanswered?
How do you worship when...
    all around you is pain--
    a fallen world, dying in the weight of itself?

How do you worship when...
    you don’t know how to worship,
    every prayer feels like the same as before,
    and all you have to offer God are cliches of truth.
“You are holy.”
“God is good.”
“He is faithful.”
How do you worship when such truth
    feels like what you’ve prayed a thousand times,
    sung a million times,
    and declared a billion times?

How do you worship when...
    you KNOW you cannot not worship,
    you KNOW to not worship is to give in to the Devil’s schemes,
    and you KNOW to not worship is to die,
    yet worship remains an uphill battle?
How do you worship when you no longer care to worship?

How do you worship when...
    someone unexpectedly pays for a meal you can’t afford,
    you receive a job promotion,
    or the puzzle pieces of your life begin to fall into place
How do you worship when...
    life hands you the lemonade
    instead of just the lemons.

How do you worship when...
    blind eyes see,
    deaf ears hear,
    or chronic illnesses disappear?
How do you worship when...
    finances, health, and personal goals align,
    when God’s blessings are abounding?

Thanksgiving. Truth. Spirit.
Always Thanksgiving--in every circumstance.
Always Truth--from your heart and from the Word.
Always by the Holy Spirit.
Even if the only thing you can say is,
“I am thankful that God is God alone.”

Simply, never never never quit worshiping God.

Always Enough

Although I have not blogged in a long while and have not done my dovos in an equally long while, there has been a song etched in my mind lately.  It has become my prayer.  It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to do my devos, I just have had a hard time finding the time.  Life seems to be accelerating since starting my last semester and student teaching.  Here are the lyrics to the song that seems to just resonate in my heart.

In the dry and weary land, Lord, You are the rain.
In the sea of shattered ones, Your love comes rushing in.
You hold the world inside Your hands and see each tear that falls.
Through every fire and every storm, You’re always enough, always enough.

Your love is peace to the broken,
Faith for the widow,
Hope for the orphan,
Strength for the weak.
Your love is the anthem of nations, rings out through the ages,
And You’re always enough for me.

I rejoice for my Savior reigns.
I rejoice for He lives in me.
God on high, He has set me free,
And worthy is the Lord.

“Always Enough” by Casting Crowns

I guess, deep down, there is a small part of me that knows where I need to turn.  When I am broken the most, it is the easiest for me to turn to God, but this time I didn’t.  I let myself build habits that is slowly killing my spirit instead of relying on the “Always Enough.”

I have started student teaching, as previously mentioned, and I know it is more important now than ever before to break those bad habits.  I MUST find the time because the gentile reminder by a great song will not keep me healthy.  I thirst for more, but I don’t discipline myself with the drinking of the word, and I know I need God’s supernatural grace, peace, love, and strength to teach.  It is a big job that I don’t take lightly.

God, be my alarm clock.  I know I need you, and I want to want you more.  I have starved myself to the point of not knowing if I am hungry or not, so ignite my senses with your sweet presence that I may hunger after you again.