I have to start by giving a huge shout out of praise to my wonderful God! I am so blessed! I have a dog, a washer and dryer, a home, food, family, no bills that are immediately due, and money in the account. I have no complaints and am just so thankful to how God shows He is able to meet all our needs within our means, and even meet some of our deepest wants just because he can. I found out this week that I will be student-teaching in the exact school that is closest to our home, which with one car is a HUGE answer to prayer. God is good, and He is opening my eyes to His great faithfulness.
Lately, it seems like my walk with God has been more of a crawl. Between the demands of life, the weight of my “needs,” the never-ending list of people who need God’s miraculous touch, and the daily battle with apathy, my faith has taken a hit. Yet God has drawn me to His side in a gentle and sweet way. Nothing over the top and big like every time that I beat myself up and God has to remind me once again that He loves me and forgives me because I am to proud and self-absorbed to believe it. It has just been a sweet and gentile daily reminder to continue to trust, to continue to worship, to never give up, to live better, to love deeper. It is so easy for me to overwhelm myself with high expectations and I ultimately set myself up to fail. Right now, God just wants my devotion, my daily choice to make an effort at discovering more of Him. It has amazed me to see Him come through even though my time with Him is so short.
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young has been my guide and spring-board for devos lately because it is easy to turn to and gives me scripture to look up. On the surface, I didn’t feel like I got much out of today’s reading. Then I read it again. It said,
Weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day. I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me, rather than on your understanding. Your natural preference is to plan out your day, knowing what will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in your weakness.
I was thinking, I ain’t weak; I don’t feel weak anyway. And then I remembered how I was complaining about not knowing what God was doing. I remembered how frustrated I have gotten the last couple weeks with my bad habits. I remembered how I have felt weak in my faith as I have wrestled with theological questions. And I felt His hand pressed against my back pushing me along to a simple reminder to pursue Him.
And then to put it all in perspective, one of the verses I read was in James 4. It started out saying in verse 14, “What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you out to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.’” Immediately, I was reminded of John Bevere’s teaching on the zero hour. Life at its fullest length is still next to nothing in terms of all eternity. The result of division by infinity is ε, a number arbitrarily close to zero. So our life is like nothing, no matter how horrible or wonderful it is, in comparison to eternity. And at the end of life when I stand before the throne of God and give account for my life, how horrible I thought it was at one moment will not be in question nor will it even matter. What will matter is my worship and obedience to God. Suddenly, life and all the craziness that had me down of late seemed to fall into perspective.
I like to plan my day out, to the extent that it sometimes keeps me from accomplishing anything. Planning is a great tool to being a steward of the time God has given us, but it ultimately cannot run our lives. Things happen out of our control and through it all we must depend on God every day. When life make us weak, and we are feeling discouraged, we must remember the “zero hour” concept, worship God, and let God’s power be perfected in our weakness.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31)