Sometimes I just have a million questions and things I don’t understand about God that I want to just write out. Sometimes I know these are the very things Satan uses to come against my relationship with God and weaken my faith. Today is one of those days. My mind is heavy, largely because I haven’t been renewing it in Christ Jesus like I know I should, so I am just going to write these out into the somewhat cosmic void.
I will never understand God’s divine healing. It makes me mad to think about it still. I’m tired of God not coming through and my only retort is, “He is Sovereign.” I am beginning to feel like that is just Christianese for “I don’t understand God.” I am beginning to feel like there is no real explanation, no real way of insuring healing, and no hope of healing in this world. All we can do is pray and hold on to the last ounce of faith we have that God in His divine sovereign healing power decides to answer our prayer, and then be an annoying persistent person and continue to pray even when we feel like our prayer has become redundant and stagnant.
My dad needs healing, my mom needs healing, I need healing, my brother-in-law needs healing. People I care so deeply about have had to/is having to readjust to a new normal in their life because despite the many hours and many people who have prayed, it would seem that God’s sovereign plan doesn’t include a miracle. Nothing we do seems to change His mind. We are to just continue holding on and act like everything is alright. Well it isn’t.
I’m tired of trusting God down to the last wire for everything. Is it so horrible to want one day off a week while I am student-teaching? Yes, I know it is only 15 weeks and I should be able to “deal with anything for just 15 weeks” as someone recently said to me. I am exhausted just thinking about it. Why is it God’s “sovereign” plan for everything to be so tight and owe so much money to people? God is faithful right? God is the provider right? Then why are we late on rent?
While this post may seem like a Woe-Is-Me blog, I know that I cannot turn back on God. Though I may not see His healing now, I know he is able. It is times like these where I have to rely on what God has done in my life as a reminder not to give up. It is times like these that the stories of the Bible have to serve as a testimony to God’s divine ability. I remember one time I prayed with a friend for a friend who was paralyzed. That friend was healed and started walking. Sadly, an accident happened to make matters bad again; however, God healed! I remember another time in which I was in excruciating pain and on the verge of going to the ER. I was prayed for and the pain immediately left. Though my Grandmother eventually died of cancer, God healed her of cancer once and tripled the medically expected time left on earth when the cancer returned. I know God heals.
I know God provides. I have never missed a meal, and though we may be late on our rent (don’t worry guys, we should be able to pay it this week), we have a roof over our head. I have never had to skip a semester because of finances, and I have experienced four all-expense paid-by-God trips across the world. I know He provides because I do have a job, whether I always enjoy it or not. I know He provides because Stephen has a job, though part-time it may be. I know He provides because money has always been tight for us growing up, but somehow we have never been in need, want maybe, but need never. I know my God provides because He gave me a small laptop that got me through the last three years of school at absolutely no cost to me. My God does provide.
My God has proved himself over and over, even if it seems like he is not in my current situation. Just dwelling on that has helped my spirits be lifted, so I will stand on this word:
“It has come at last—
salvation and power
and the Kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Christ.[a]
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters[b]
has been thrown down to earth—
the one who accuses them
before our God day and night.
And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
and by their testimony.” (Revelation 12:10-11)
I will continue to testify to where God has in my life or in the Bible shown himself able and stand on the promise that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Does that mean I understand? Absolutely not. Will I ever understand? More than likely not. Though my faith may feel weak and my spirit exhausted, I will not let the devil win. I will say that the Lord is good; I will worship. I will pray as the father with the demon possessed son, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief.” (Mark 9)