It felt like I was falling asleep in a sauna as I lay awake, unable to drift past the scratchy throat and the sharp jolts of pain in my ear like a needle pricking the nerves incessantly. Tossing to the left, I became frustrated with my situation. I thought of all the prayers and people who prophesied that God would open my ears. I was so expectant of healing, but here I was lying awake in bed, unable to hear from my ear and in complete pain. Tossing to the right, “Why didn’t you heal me God? Are you not able? I had faith in you, and here I am. What are you doing?” Questions flooded my mind as tears streamed down my face. Then a gentle but firm voice whispered in my conscience, “Am I not God? Am I not sovereign?” In anger and frustration, I tossed back around and clicked on the TV, slowly drifting to sleep despite my misery.
Two weeks earlier I had surgery on my left ear. I thought for sure they were going to go into my ear and discover that it was almost completely healed. There were times during the semester that I would be able to hear as well or better than I felt I have heard all my life. I could hear an ice cream truck from across campus, and that is not just because I fancy fudge popsicles. Yet as they did the surgery, rather than finding things better, they found it much worse. My ear had a tumor that was bigger than expected, and it has destroyed some of my bones, causing me to need yet another surgery. Before the surgery, I felt healthy, but after I was feeling quite the opposite of healthy. I wanted to blame God.
I battled between throwing away my faith entirely because God “failed” me and seeking God anyway. Yet, I could not let go of those rhetorical questions, “Am I not God? Am I not sovereign?” The more I thought, the more convicted I felt for my actions, but still I changed nothing. My mind was slowly coming to the realization that God is God.
Talking it out with my Dad, I said, “I feel shaken to the core as I am answering the question for myself, ‘Is God God enough for me to believe in him even if he never heals me.'”
On this Memorial Day Weekend, my family and I enjoyed some time of relaxation, which my father needed very much! We watched some TV, played games, and fished, well, I went for a walk. On this walk, I listened to some of my “pensive” music, Casting Crowns. It is my music I go to when I have a lot on my mind. I cried through some songs and just had some real talk with my God. He didn’t respond to me in a real, life changing way other than the peace of knowing he is God. Do I need any other reason to worship? If he is real, and if he is God, then he is worthy of all my praise.
Memorial Day is a time of remembering. Remembering those that have gone before us to give us the freedoms we have today, especially those who gave their life. I found myself remembering the one who gave his life that I could have more than freedom, that I could have eternal life. I am so thankful that I serve a big and infinite God who takes me as I am with every fear and every struggle, who lets me be real with him, but then sweeps in and reminds me that he is God and that he has given everything for me. I love my God, and I will serve him all my days!