It has been six and a half weeks since I broke up with my fiancé, a month since we have stopped talking all together. I am debating if I should even write this because he may see it, but this blog is about me getting things out. And if you are reading, I am not trying to hurt you in this in any way.
I know he thinks we will be back together some day. There are days I think he is right. I think that God can do miracles and he can bring us together again. Then there are other days that I think it is absolutely impossible. We will never be together. I am not sure if that is God or me doubting God. Or is the first one God? So instead of trying to figure it out, here is what I know and what I will do.
1. I know that I am not ready nor will I be ready for a relationship for a long time. I am still healing in many ways from the hurt of loving someone so much and watching it all slip away. I have to become ok with me and God again. There is a large part of me that is ok if I never find anyone again, but then there is still a part of me that thinks of what could have been. I know I need to trust God with my heart all over again. So, God, here it is. I want to trust you more. I want to fall more in love with you, not so that I can manipulate you into giving me somebody, but because I really do need you in every area of my life and you are worthy of all my love.
2. I know that if/when I ever am looking at getting in a relationship again, I will not advance in the relationship without three confirmations:
One, my best friends. You may think this is unwise, but not when you have friends like mine. My best friends are like my siblings. I have known them my whole life, and to make it even better, they are God-hearing, prophetic Christians who I know will pray and hear from God.
Two, my family. Last time, it felt like my family was a huge part of the division. In some ways, I want to blame them for the break up. Some of them didn’t like who I was with at all and others said he was a good guy, just not the good guy for me. To think of that still hurts. Sure he had his failings, but I still think we were a good fit in most ways. However, my family remains very important to me. I don’t want to EVER be in a place again where I am head over heals in love with a guy that my family sees as unfitting for me. The pain was overwhelming and just as hard as the real break up. My family, specifically my oldest sister because she is the hardest person of them all to convince, must love him as a brother/son and know that he is right for me.
Finally, and most importantly, I must know that I know that I know God has picked him out specifically for me. I must have prayed for him, us, and the relationship. I refuse to go back to a point where love has so blinded me from seeing what God wants and deafened me from hearing his voice. All I could hear was the sound of my love, but God had told me something was wrong from the beginning.
3. I know that unless he radiates Christ, he will never be able to be the one for me. I want a man who is so in love with God that it is practically all he talks about. I want his life and heart to speak Christ to the world. He has to be called to missions and I want to see him walking in that call. I want him to be doing everything he can to reach the area he is at. I want to see him pursue God! I want to hear about the things God is showing him, and for there to be an excitement about God.
4. I know that I need to repeat 3 for myself. I need to develop a deep devotional life that is unbreakable. I want God to be first, center, and core for the rest of the days of my life. I want to hear God’s voice above all voices. I want to be open to the crazy and random acts of ministry that I would not be able to do or know about unless God had just told me that was what I needed to do. I want to know God’s voice so clearly. I still doubt it sometimes because it sounds so close to my thoughts sometimes. I want to start reaching this world for Christ now. Why do I have the right to sit back and judge others for their level of ministry, but to do the same thing. I sit behind my covers and watch movies and behind my till at the grocery store and I say nothing. It is time to get out there and do something for God, instead of just talk about it.
5. Lastly, I have learned that one sign of a good relationship is in who is the spiritual thermostat. The man is designed as the spiritual leader in a marriage, and so the man should be setting the bar of purity and spirituality in the relationship. It is of utmost importance. If that bar is crossed, as a woman, I find it hard to trust him completely and I find myself trying to control the level I am willing to go and I start taking the lead spiritually. That is not the way God designed it, and if I do that, I am settling for less than perfect, less than God designed. The man should be gauging where the relationship is at in Christ, as well as setting the bar. Just like a thermostat sets the temperature and measures the temperature. He must lead. I must follow.
That is what I have learned thus far. I know God isn’t done with me. I still do not know what the future holds, and I am waiting for a sign, a ram, a fleece, whatever to know where my life is headed romantically. Don’t ask me if we will get back together because quite frankly, it isn’t my choice. What I think doesn’t matter. What I want, doesn’t matter. God will show me, and until he has the answer is and always will be, “No!”