Trying to Make Sense of It All

I find myself thinking about many things right now all jumbled into a mess that leaves me confused and makes me want to veg.

  • I feel like an overstuffed couch potato

I have gone through this rut-like cycle lately where is all I do is work, veg, and sleep.  It leaves me empty, bloated, and fat.  I know I have put weight on this summer.  I keep telling myself that I will wear it off again this school year.  What is it about being home that seems to drain my determination?  Is my determination false?  At school do I have self-control or just beneficial restraints?

  • I am beginning to wonder if my family is right.

I have talked with a good friend a lot lately.  My family is beginning to think there is something there.  I keep saying no.  I know it is a no, but I find myself asking that underlying question, “Does he know?  Does he like me? Am I leading him on?”  I pray I am not leading him on, but I do enjoy talking to him.  I wonder if this is how Aaron felt when I liked him.

  • I am thinking about love.

I do want to marry someday.  I dream about planning a wedding with my husband.  I dream about loving him and he loving me.  I dream about doing ministry together.  Then I look at what life has shown me and I doubt that dream will ever come true.  I am realizing just how insecure I am.  I wish I was more secure and confident in myself to be truly happy single.

  • I feel like my priorities are jacked up

My room is a mess.  My life is a mess.  I have so much to do, and yet I don’t do any of it.  Wost of all, I keep pushing God farther away because I am just plain lazy.  What happened to my passion?  What happened to my drive?  I look at my mirror of life and I do not like what I see.  I feel so stuck.

  • I need to be shaken again.

I know that I am weak.  I know that I need to have an encounter the Holy Spirit anew  I need to be refreshed.  It isn’t that I no longer love God, but I feel so distant.  I don’t know why I am avoiding the first step.  I need God to draw me closer to Him.  I need God to shake me a little and show me His love and mercy once again.


One thought on “Trying to Make Sense of It All

  1. I understand the plite of man. We don’t realize we are away from God, I don’t mean not saved, but the fire has gone out. We simply exsist in our busy world and let it dictate our actions or none action. Our sinfulness to wander away from God. I have been there. The way back is to first realize that it is us who has moved, not God. God has been there longing for us all the time to just stop and spend some time with Him. James 4:7-10 says: 7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. I want to high light verse 8: the answer to the dilemma of needing God’s presence. “Come near to God and He will Come near to your.” See it is us that has moved and we need to move again. Let us draw need to God and all the rest of life’s desires will fall into place. He is our strength and our answer to all life throws at us and all the challenges in our own minds.
    I realize you know all this, but I also know that sometimes we just need to be reminded. Praying for you always!

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