I find myself thinking about many things right now all jumbled into a mess that leaves me confused and makes me want to veg.
- I feel like an overstuffed couch potato
I have gone through this rut-like cycle lately where is all I do is work, veg, and sleep. It leaves me empty, bloated, and fat. I know I have put weight on this summer. I keep telling myself that I will wear it off again this school year. What is it about being home that seems to drain my determination? Is my determination false? At school do I have self-control or just beneficial restraints?
- I am beginning to wonder if my family is right.
I have talked with a good friend a lot lately. My family is beginning to think there is something there. I keep saying no. I know it is a no, but I find myself asking that underlying question, “Does he know? Does he like me? Am I leading him on?” I pray I am not leading him on, but I do enjoy talking to him. I wonder if this is how Aaron felt when I liked him.
- I am thinking about love.
I do want to marry someday. I dream about planning a wedding with my husband. I dream about loving him and he loving me. I dream about doing ministry together. Then I look at what life has shown me and I doubt that dream will ever come true. I am realizing just how insecure I am. I wish I was more secure and confident in myself to be truly happy single.
- I feel like my priorities are jacked up
My room is a mess. My life is a mess. I have so much to do, and yet I don’t do any of it. Wost of all, I keep pushing God farther away because I am just plain lazy. What happened to my passion? What happened to my drive? I look at my mirror of life and I do not like what I see. I feel so stuck.
- I need to be shaken again.
I know that I am weak. I know that I need to have an encounter the Holy Spirit anew I need to be refreshed. It isn’t that I no longer love God, but I feel so distant. I don’t know why I am avoiding the first step. I need God to draw me closer to Him. I need God to shake me a little and show me His love and mercy once again.